Reflections 2021

I haven't had the energy for any updates lately, concentrating my efforts towards work, getting ready for Christmas and recovery (yes, recovery takes effort too!). It's worked fairly well and I've been productive, I try my best to appreciate that and not compare it to how I was pre-covid or all the things I've been unable to do. I can still do some things and that's great.

Christmas

I tried to message people a Christmas message but ran out of steam after not too many. For those I didn't manage to message yesterday, I hope you've all been having a good festive period and hope you get to have a happy and healthy 2022.

My Christmas was nice. I enjoyed the time and even though I crashed pretty badly in the afternoon (the past couple of weeks catching up with me) it was still a positive day with family which is what it's all about really. I'm still suffering fairly badly and hugely limiting what I am doing to aid recovery but think I'll need to take things easy for at least the next week. I'm still self employed until the end of the year so will need to do some work but with the office closed I work with (and am starting employment with in January) I will be able to take things a little easier and just finish up some of the existing projects ready to launch in the new year.

Looking back

Christmas and the new year is often a time to look back and see how the year has gone. To be honest I'm a little resistant to it at the moment as it is serving me better to have a bit more of a short term view about things and just concentrating on what I am doing now rather than spending energy on the past or too far in to the future.

That being said I've spent a little time on it. There's not too much point in going pre-covid as things have just changed too much since then. Looking back how I was 5-6 months ago I'm feeling quite a lot better and managing to do more. I'm not fearful for my future any more and have learnt to live with and adapt to my current limitations. I won't stop pushing myself to test those limitations to hopefully help me improve over time but these days that pushing has to be gentle and careful. To be honest I've pushed a bit too much over the last few weeks in the build up to Christmas and having people visit. I'm now paying the cost for that but knew it was coming and am ok to suffer a little more over the coming weeks while I recover again. It was worth the price for a little extra Christmas joy.

I was looking back over some previous posts and I think it would be hard to say I've seen much improvement in my condition for at least the last 3 months. It can be tricky to be too precise as almost everything is subjective. I do feel better or less bad in general but have a feeling that's just me adjusting to things more rather than progress in my conditions. Some have improved a bit but other have got a bit worse so I would say I've been pretty stable for those 3 months and am learning to manage myself better.

The present

I think I said before but I'm not listing all of my symptoms every time any more. They have been pretty consistent for several months so it seems pointless unless there's any changes.

My main frustration right now is my left wrist/hand and my lack of control, dexterity and strength. It makes things like opening packets pretty difficult but mostly solvable by things like scissors. It can be a struggle to feed myself with that hand so I use my right more and swap cutlery depending on what I need to do. I also have more soup or mushy food like corned beef hash is pretty good too. It's been getting even worse lately and when wrapping presents and trying to tie bows my left hand made me feel like I had a physical disability with the struggles I was having and inability to control my fingers enough. I think it's probably just connected to me overdoing it in general lately but I will be back to see my GP at the end of next month so will see how things go between now and then. Carpal tunnel was mentioned at one point so I will bring that up again as I would appreciate any improvements I can get.

On the other side of things my circulation issues or whatever was causing my hands to get really cold has improved over the last month or so. I still have problems and spend most of my time under a blanket but am not wearing my gloves at home most of the time or even every day now so that's a positive.

The future

I'm not going to set any goals for next year that are finite. I literally have no idea how I will progress or not so it is just pointless. One thing I am happy to commit to is giving myself the best opportunity to recover from things that are in my control. Currently that boils down to what I put in to my body (food, hydration and supplements) plus trying to make sure I get the rest and recovery I need. If I'm able to add activity and exercise to that at some point through the year that would be great but at the moment it's not something I can commit to as walking or even standing too long currently just makes me worse.

A few people will mention seeing me back running and to be honest I can't even imagine it at the moment. It's just so far from where I am at I honestly don't know if it will happen- it probably will but no certainty and I only have enough energy for what is right in front of me at the moment. It's also just plain depressing to think of something being potentially impossible that seemed so easy a little over 6 months ago. It is a lesson in how quickly things can change though and to appreciate what I can achieve right now, even if that is less than before, I can still achieve things and appreciate that.

No sympathy

Once again I don't want or need any sympathy, it doesn't help and if anything is a negative (I appreciate the sentiment but for me it can far too easily turn in to excuses for me to stop trying, it's one of my weaknesses). I'm accepting what I call my current limitation and am placing zero expectations on any change to them. They adjust throughout a day so I just try to do what I can at the time, appreciate what I've achieved and move on. Resting and recovery as an important part of that process to and is a constructive and necessary part of my day. I don't feel like I need a nap every day but find if I don't take them it has a bad impact on me so for now they are also part of my daily routine.